None of us really believed it would happen. We went to sleep at night like we always used to, and drifted off into our worlds of dreams. He tossed and turned in his sleep as he would, a wild horse, I'd call him. His forehead rested against my arm, his warm breath hit my skin. We were warm and safe together, we were so good. Yet, on that night, there was an eerie feeling in my stomach. Not everything was quite right.

He woke me up early on Thursday morning, six o'clock, and he told me it had begun. Ten anxious hours later I am watching through the gate as my only love leaves for war, brave, straight, strong... He did not look back over his shoulder once, never once letting fear or doubt take over. He would choose honor over any comfort, and I believe this was always the state of his heart and mind. Meanwhile, I could not fight the tears that poured, shaking uncontrollably like my life had just been snatched away from me. I felt like the emptiest, most fragile little shell in the ocean, beaten around by harsh waves and currents for decades, fragments of me floating away with every clement vibration.

I am afraid. My heart, at moments, feels like it is made of lead. As I lay down, I think it might drop through my flesh. Each time my phone notifies me of something, I rush to see if it is him. Usually it is not. Just more news. News, news, news. I am drowning in news, and yet none of them tell me what I need to know. Then again, they deliver the encouragement everyone here needs desperately. I have not changed my mind. I think these are the most extraordinary human beings. People just like me and him, his family... They woke up one day, and their whole world had changed in a matter of seconds... That's how long it takes for a missile to fly across the sky and hit its target. The whole process of course, takes more calculation. While the people were still holding out for hope on Wednesday, the enemy had already predecided the events which would take place during the next hours and days. Whether it will be weeks, or even months, we are yet to see. Each part of my being prays it will be over soon, but I would be lying if I said I believed that.

Just earlier the warning sirens played, but not for long. Perhaps it was just a test, or a false alarm. 

A rooster keeps crowing outside. The dogs in the yards bark at the tiniest disturbances. Time passes slowly, and all we seem to be able to do now is wait. I even pondered for a moment whether I should have gone up there with him. I know that wouldn't have been very wise of course. He would have not allowed it either. Perhaps, at times, the bravest thing one can do is to remain patient and calm in face of danger and threat.

He called me and said he was okay for now. "For now" can perhaps stretch to comfort me for a few hours more. We all must take it one hour at a time, as everyday life is put on hold.

25th of February, 2022, Ukraine.

A quote by Dumbledore also applies

I must start by stating that which has been hoovering over me for the past few days. An imminent bleakness, worry and pain. How to speak of these matters in a sophisticated way, or is sophistication and tact to be thrown out of the window already at this stage, into the vast wastelands of war? It comes not naturally for me to understand the outside world, if I do not listen to my own voice. I find myself drowning quite often in the words of others, repeating things they have said to me, feeling strangely about it after. Aggression and force, I suppose they are qualities hidden in all of our bodies, oftentimes aching to show. Yet, once you let them, aren't you consumed by indescribable shame? 

Impulsivity and rash judgements. Once you let them rule, you stop seeing the forest for the trees. This shame is a conflicting emotion. Sometimes one might even start to feel shame for feeling such shame, as at times the world, as well as your own mind, suggests it is necessery to make difficult decisions for the common good. "Pluck out the weeds in order for the flowers to grow." Any right-minded person willing to protect their garden would not think twice, but here we run into another issue. Who are we to decide what can and can not grow from the earth? Is it not the earth and the sun that make our flowers grow and not us? Are we overstepping the mark when we start picking and choosing what should emerge and thrive?

Well, I have something controversial to suggest.

Perhaps aggression should be surrendered to, not only by what we perceive as savages, but by the good and the conscientious as well. It is, after all, what keeps peoples safe in their communities. One can speak of wanting to strive for peace and equity in all lands, but the reality will never match such ideals. There will always be those outside of the bubble, observing sardonically, ridiculing you as your body turns to mush, making it easier for them to consume you. Softness becomes our cardinal flaw, as it leads to our extinction. People who have grown uncaring and selfish, be it their nature or their teaching, take the reign. And it is then that the flowers among the weeds start to die. We lose our battle because we refuse the battle, and our enemies laugh in our face. Oh, great is the irony once the victim becomes the oppressor. 

I am holding onto hope for a brighter future I have foreseen, yet I must admit that I also predict continuous great and grim struggles to come. I have lived in a numbing assurance in the past, of everything being good and right in the world. It may be have been a positive, it may have been a negative. I conclude that it is a bit of both. The effects of it on my way of being are conflicting. My eyes have begun to open, and while a part of me wishes I could undo it, there is no going back. Something has been lost, yet so much has been gained. My roots grow stronger, and in time I believe no storm can make me falter. 

I am inspired by the incredible, tenacious people all around me, standing honorable and stoic in the face of hostility. The title of this blog shall remind me, that even in the darkest of times, there is energy and life to be found inside of me, and that there is warmth, always, to be extended forwards. 

Today I have successfully located the sun in my belly. How is yours doing?

15th of February, 2022, Ukraine.